Page 90 - AC-3-3

Arts & Communication Advanced macro-image model for poetry translation

the Moon, / Down the Valley of the Shadow, / Ride, boldly notice an excessive accumulation of consonant sounds at
ride, / The shade replied, – / “If you seek for Eldorado!››. 58 the junctions of words. This discrepancy suggests that the
This short poem consists of four stanzas and 24 lines. translator did not fully adhere to the traditions of Ukrainian
A notable aspect of “Eldorado” is its use of gradations poetry, where a closed masculine rhyme and its repetition
– moving from joy to old age to exhaustion to death – throughout the text are generally not characteristic. This
expressed through rhythm. The image of whimsy and oversight negatively affected the reproduction of the
mystery created by the poet with the help of rhythm is original rhythm. Lines ending with such rhymes appear cut
unfortunately not reproduced in Kochur’s translation, off, diminishing the sense of space, distance, and infinity
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which fails to capture the dominance of rhythm in the created by the original author using rhythm, ultimately
overall image structure of the original: Молодий та constraining the knight’s movements. In the original work,
стрункий / Вершник мчав навпрошки, / В дощ і в спеку Poe creates this rhythmic image effect through the use of
numerous diphthongs inherent in the English language.
прямуючи радо; / Їхав поночі й вдень, / Ще й співав In our translation, we sought to recreate this effect with
він пісень, – / Прагнув землю знайти – Ельдорадо. /
Стільки років блукав, / Що вже й сивий він став, / Вже the help of feminine rhymes that are more common in
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утратив і силу, й принаду, / Скрізь об’їздити встиг, / Ukrainian poetic speech : В панцирі добрім / Лицар
Та в блуканнях отих / Не знайшов він землі Ельдорадо. хоробрий / У спеку чи в хмарну браваду / Довго блукав, /
Пісню співав / У пошуках Ельдорадо. // Під шалом вітрів
// На котрімсь із шляхів / Раз він привида стрів, – / / Юнак постарів, / А серце не знає розради, / Бо скільки
Може, в нього він знайде пораду: / «Чи не знаєш хоч ти, не йшов – / Землі не знайшов, / Що схожа на Ельдорадо.
/ Де я можу знайти / Землю ту, на ім’я Ельдорадо?›› // // Як зовсім змарнів, / Він привида стрів / Й спитався
Каже привид: «Поглянь, – / Там, де обрію грань, / Видко
гір нерухому громаду; / Отуди твоя путь, / Щоб аж їх у нього поради: / «Мені дай збагнуть, / Лежить де та
перетнуть, / Якщо хочеш знайти Ельдорадо!››. 59 путь, / Що в землю веде Ельдорадо?››. // «За місячні
гори, / За простір нічний, / В долину тінистого саду, /
Kochur’s translation compresses the lines of the poem Скачи до мети, / Як хочеш знайти, / Як хочеш знайти
with numerous lexical units to convey the meaning of the Ельдорадо!››. One of the main reasons for translating this
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original work, but the translator created a text in which the work, despite several existing Ukrainian versions, was the
words are unusually cramped. The translation sacrificed recognition of the rhythm’s image dominance within it.
the rhythmic and intonation patterns of the original that It is worth noting that the sudden increase in the
evoked mystery, space, freedom, distance, and infinity emotional and semantic load of a word in a poem can
created through features of syntax, meter, repetition, and be attributed to the specific rhythmic orientation of its
the use of long vowels, diphthongs, feminine, and open elements. This rhythmic quality harmoniously develops
masculine rhymes.
the poem’s musical theme and requires the translator to
Apart from Kochur, Poe’s poem “Eldorado” was make special decisions. For example, changes in rhythmic-
translated into Ukrainian by Baranov, Vients, Grabovskyi, intonational levels, such as alterations in meter schemes
Gordasevych, Griyaznov, Lavrenov, Marach, Mosendz, of a poem or clashes in instrumentation between different
Onyshko, Svarozhych, Strikha, Tkachenko, and Tupailo. stanzas, require careful attention from the translator. These
Here is the Ukrainian version of the work by Strikha, aspects significantly influence how a poem is translated
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who sought an esthetic and identical effect on the reader and how analogs for the poetic forms are sought.
and structural accuracy: В ясній броні / Він день при дні, Thus, the adequacy of reproducing rhythm and other
/ Наспівуючи радо, / У спеку й сніг / Шукав, де міг, / formal components of a poetic work as image components
Країну Ельдорадо. // Минувся час / І запал згас, / Лунає within its macro-image structure at the synsemantic level
спів нерадо. / За кроком крок, / Минає строк – / Ні сліду depends directly on how well these components’ functions
Ельдорадо. // Вже сил нема / І все – дарма… / «О тіне, are reproduced. This reproduction must be done with
дай пораду: / Іду здаля, / Та де ж земля, / Що зветься consideration for both the traditional specifics of the
Ельдорадо?›› // «За непокірні / пасма гір, / Де нізвідкіль original and target verses, as well as the poetic style of
ждать ради, / Ще довго йти – / Як справді ти / Шукаєш the original author. The synsemantic image level of poetic
Ельдорадо!››. 57 works can be depicted using a schematic representation as
In comparing translations, we observe that the rhythm shown in Figure 2.
in this version is more relaxed in a positive sense, allowing Semantic ambiguity is one of the characteristic features
the words to feel freer than in Kochur’s translation. of poetry, often conveying more than what is explicitly
However, when reading the translation out loud, one may stated. This quality leads to conclusions and juxtapositions

Volume 3 Issue 3 (2025) 12 doi: 10.36922/ac.5990